she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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