i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Come share oat with me in your robe
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
