Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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