You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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