My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
