Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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