i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
