Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
