you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
