I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
