last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
