FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
