you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
