worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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