You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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