I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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