I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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