I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
