It's Friday. Sex?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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