two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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