It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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