Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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