Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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