You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
