I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
