6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
