Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
