No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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