i don't plan on having that self control this summer
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
