He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
