Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
