How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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