Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
