Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
