Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Shame is for Republicans.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
