I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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