I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
