I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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