sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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