he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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