The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
