She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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