I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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