Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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