you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
