just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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