How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
