his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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