I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
