so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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