I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
