Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
