Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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