We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
