I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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