finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
