I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
